Best Jokes

I’m the part of the bird that’s not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?
A shadow.

I am mother and father, but never birth or nurse. I’m rarely still, but I never wander. What am I?
A tree.

I went into the woods…

No sooner spoken than broken. What is it?
Silence.
A secret.

A certain crime is punishable if attempted but not punishable if committed. What is it?
Suicide.
Coup d’etat.

You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I?
An onion…

I run over fields and woods all day. Under the bed at night I sit not alone. My tongue hangs out, up and to the rear, awaiting to be filled in the morning. What am I?
A shoe.

Throw it off the highest building, and I’ll not break. But put me in the ocean…

I have holes in my top and bottom, my left and right, and in the middle. But I still hold water. What am I?
A sponge.

Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die. What am I?
Fire.

The man who invented it doesn’t want it. The…

What can you catch but not throw?
A cold.

I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I?
A nose.

What’s black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed skunk.
A zebra painted red.
A sunburned penguin.
A newspaper.

What goes around the world…